lumineaux | Oscars 2011

*cracks knuckles over keyboard*     Ahem . . .

I am whetting my pre-Oscars appetite by watching VH1 Classic's "Greatest Hard Rock Songs of All Time"    I note for the record that Bruce Dickinson looks nothing like Christopher Walken.   In fact, he sort of looks like the Crocodile Hunter.   And oh look, Steven Tyler before he became a Muppet.   So VH1 voters crowned "Welcome to the Jungle" as the greatest hard rock song of all time. Not a bad choice.

But, more importantly for tonight's purposes, it's 30 minutes to Oscar time! Let's take a peek in at the pre-show:

OMG Jennifer Hudson looks fracking awesome in this bright orange dress that completely flatters her coloring and newly svelte form.   Her hair is less than impressive, but the overall look is rocking.

Natalie Portman has also chosen an excellent color - a deep red/purple.   I'm liking the non-traditional colors so far.

8:13 p.m. Nicole Kidman appears to have been dressed by the costume designers of the 1980s Flash Gordon remake. Now I have that Queen song stuck in my head. "Flash - aaaaaaah-aaahh . . ."

8:15 p.m. Christian Bale's natural accent is way sexy.  ~~The fact that he's Australian explains so much about his inherent insanity.~~     Turn's out it's a lower class British accent, which is often functionally indistinguisable from Australian. But them's still some crazy crazy eyes.

[cake break]

8:26 pm Tom Hanks' hairline is getting a little scary.    Although is description of what it's like to win an Oscar is pretty damn amusing.   Is the sign language deliberate or a joke?

I am humming the Muppet Show theme now . . . "It's time to play the music, it's time to light the lights . . . "

8:30 pm The song for the opening montage is "In the Hall of the Mountain King" says the classical music fan.

8:34 pm "I loved you in Tron"   *snerk*

8:37 pm Michael J. Fox looks so young in the Back to the Future clip. Then again we were all so young when Back to the Future came out.

8:39 pm Anne Hathaway's dress would benefit from the concept of symmetry. And from looking a little less like she's wearing a paisley dirndl (i.e., the stereotypical St. Pauli Girl bodice).

8:40 pm It would be awesome if that were actually James Franco's Grandma. Anyone know?

8:41 pm I squee like a fan girl at anything relating to "Gone With the Wind."   As problematical as the movie is in terms of race, gender and history, I love that damn movie. Love love love love love. At least as much as I hate "Titanic."

8:44 pm All that was to get us interested in the art direction awards?   Philistines.

8:45 pm "Alice in Wonderland" wins art direction. Must be easy to let yourself run amok when you're working for Tim Burton. He's certainly not going to hold anyone back.

8:47 pm   Wally Pfister wins cinematography for "Inception." He's hilarious. "Oh my God what you have done?"   I love the non-actor winners. They are so much more genuine.

8:51 pm Kirk Douglas walks out and I cannot restrain myself from yelling "I am Spartacus!" aloud. Engracia looks at me as though I'm deranged.     I love that Douglas is flirting with Anne Hathaway at that she squeed like a fangirl.

8:57 pm What demon did Melissa Leo bargain with to ensure that her dress did not come off looking like my grandmother's plastic table covering?    It should look awful, but somehow it doesn't. And Kirk Douglas is a dirty old man.

8:58 pm And she drops the F-bomb!   I don't know why they bothered to edit it. We could all read her lips. Although I suppose there are a couple of grandmas in the Midwest who are having the vapors.

9:02 pm Mila Kunis gives us the first atrocity of the night with her City of Heroes inspired barely legal boob coverage..   Engracia sez: Is that lace [barely covering her nipples] or a bad tattoo?    I sort of like the color, but the overall effect is Stripper Barbie Goes To the Prom in 1985.

9:06 pm   Unsurprisingly, Toy Story 3 wins the Best Animated Picture category.

9:14 pm    No surprise that Aaron Sorkin wins Best Adapted Screenplay for "The Social Network." When Sorkin is on, no one writes as beautifully or with as much electricity as he does. I wish I could write dialogue like Sorkin wrote for the "West Wing."   Sorkin is the only reason I have the slightest inclination to see "The Social Network."

"Roxy Sorkin, your father just won the Academy Award. I'm going to have to insist on some respect from your guinea pig."    *snerk*

9:21 p.m. What does the Diet Coke commercial tell us? That women design fashions and take care of babies while men get to blow things up.

9:23 p.m. Nathan Fillion commercial.   mmmmmm Captain Tightpants.   Can we identify the targeted demographic of this show?

9:24 p.m. Gratuitous Hugh Jackman abuse seems to be the order of the day.

9:25 p.m. Is it wrong that James Franco's bodice fits better than those of half of the chicks on the red carpet?

9:26 p.m. Helen Mirren brings the elegance as always. Still bodice problems, though.
Helen Mirren speaking French has just inspired at least one fetish website.

9:29 p.m. Reese Whitherspoon is channelling Barbie c. 1962. If she were wearing fake eyelashes or heavier mascara, she'd be indistinguishable from a character on Mad Men.   That being said, it's kind of classy.

9:31 p.m. As I said last year, Jeremy Renner cleans up real nice. He is not going to displace Jensen Ackles as my new TV Boyfriend, tho.

9:33 p.m. Still no surprises with Christian Bale winning Best Supporting Actor. I was wrong - not Australian, lower class British. Still bug fuck nuts, though.

9:39 p.m. Oh ugh. What did Anne Hathaway do to her hair and dress?   Why is grandma's table cloth the developing theme of the night?

9:41 p.m.  Playing name that tune with the music montage: Star Wars, Lawrence of Arabia, E.T., and "Tonight" from West Side Story.   The opening to Star Wars remains John Williams' everlasting gift to high school marching bands everywhere.

9:43 p.m. If Nicole Kidman had hips like women are supposed to, she would not be able to wear that weird skirt thing without looking like Saturn with its rings. Fortunately Nicole Kidman is a fembot.

9:45 p.m. I like the color of ScarJo's dress.  Then again, anyone who knows me could have predicted that. Unsure about the cut. Interesting pattern. Hate hate hate the bed head hair. And the canned dialogue.

9:47 p.m. Why is the nice sound lady wearing a dress made out of Hefty cinch sacks?

9:49 p.m. Inception wins the award for "best sounds of things blowing up good"

9:52 pm Gorram American Cancer Society ad.  Now I have something my eye. *snif*

9:53 p.m. Oh lookie. "Body of Proof" Another police/medical procedural. *Yawn.*

9:54 pm   Marisa Tomei:  Nice bodice - actually seems to fit -- interesting color and aaaaaaaaagh! Her lower legs are being eaten by a carnivorous Muppet!!!!

9:55 p.m. Cate Blanchett puts in her bid in the Atrocity/Grandma's Tablecloth contest wearing what appears to be a giant oven mitt with huge shoulders and an apron. It's like Galadriel was attacked by the Country Kitchen.

9:57 p.m. That's some nice Wolfman transformation effects. I might actually watch that movie now when it wings around on cable.

9:59 p.m. You can always count on the costume winners to wear something . . . interesting. This year is simply a variant on Vampira Queen of the Dark with her Gothy net gloves and hoisted boobs. Honey, look up from the scrap of paper and pretend you're human.

10:01 pm   Favorite movie song? Really? Really?   Obama salvages for me. You can't beat "As Time Goes By."   And Kevin Spacey singing "Top Hat" makes me giggle in delighted glee. I would so watch Kevin Spacey in a Fred Astaire biopic.

Best song performances means it's time for me (and 90% of the rest of America) to visit the bathroom.

10:05 p.m.   Mandy Moore's dress is a nice color, but what is it with the Barbie skirts? Barbie dolls and grandma's kitchen have definitely established themselves as the night's themes.   Personally, I'm hoping for someone to show up wearing an entire dress made of ladles with bows on them to bring it all together.

10:12 p.m. I rather like Amy Adam's sparkly sparkly thing. It's blue or purple or both, rather than black, which is refreshing.

10:13 p.m. Oscars 2011: When Envelopes Attack

10:14 p.m. The documentary lady's dress is nice but weirdly superheroesque in the back. And again her bodice doesn't quite fit right. Or she's had a mastectomy and isn't wearing her foobs.

10:15 p.m. Wow. Will you look at the 'fro on that guy? Somewhere there's a blaxspoitation star who wants his hair back.   And I love that his Mom did craft services for the movie.

10:17 p.m. Anne Hathaway has boob fringe! Dangly, shiny boob fringe. I'm sure there's a kitchen implement I can reference here but it's eluding me.

10:19 p.m. Man oh man oh man. That's some superstructure on Oprah's bodice. Why oh why has she paired it with a skirt made of aluminum foil?

10:21 p.m. Hey, I movie I've seen won: Inside Job wins Best Documentary.   It's about the Wall Street crash and financial industry scandals. Watch it.

10:22 p.m. The documentary lady's dress would be nice if she'd lose the pauldron of ruffles. Ruffles make ineffective shoulder protection unless you're attacked by the Care Bears.

10:31 p.m. I like Robt Downey Jr. better with the Tony Stark beard.   It's sweet that he looks ever so slightly disappointed that Iron Man II didn't win special visual effects.

10:41 p.m. Yet another Anne Hathaway costume change. This one is fairly inoffensive and actually seems to fit her. Like the color.

10:43 p.m. I've already expressed my delight with Jennifer Hudson's dress. Her hair could be a little more relaxed, but that's really a nitpick.

10:44 p.m. Gwyneth Paltrow just looks bland. She's got quite an adequate voice. I keep thinking what one of the great country stars (like Loretta Lynn era) would have done with this song.

10:46 p.m. Does anyone else remember when Randy Newman was a cranky social commenter and not a Hollywood song writer? "Short people got no reason to live . . . "

10;52 p.m. I hate this "singing over the death montage" thing. The applause meter was always morbidly fascinating.

10:55 p.m. I'm also disliking the pallid color of Halle Berry's dress.

11:01 p.m. Another killer Muppet devouring someone's lower legs!

11:03 p.m. Wait, don't they usually do Best Director next to last?   My entire sense of time is messed up now.   Also, hate hate hate Kathryn Bigelow's weird cut outs on her shoulders.

11:05 p.m. I like the story about the Best Director's mum.

Really bored now. Almost ready to go back to making bad guys for the next D&D game.

11:06 p.m. I like Annette Benning's Art Deco-look dress, even though it's very very very sparkly.

11:07 p.m. Eli Wallach!!! "If God had not meant them to be sheared he would not have made them sheep."   Greatest villain ever.   That's from The Magnificent Seven, by the way.

11:11 p.m. Ew. Another dress of shiny spandex. If I want to seek that much shiny spandex, I'll play City of Heroes. Which would probably be more interesting than the last half hour of this thing has been.

11:12 p.m.   The Dude arrives.

11:16 p.m. Natalie Portman wins Best Actress. Sorry, dear, but it will take a lot of excellent performance before I forgive you for your "love scenes" with Hayden Christopher in "Attack of the Clones."

I'm also surprised that she doesn't knock herself out with those earrings the way she's bobbing her head. Good lord she's about 7 million months pregnant, isn't she?

11:20 p.m. Nice dress for Sandra Bullock but for the BUTT BOW!!!!   The thing is freaky huge - it needs its own zip code. And what is it with the bodices? Can no one in Hollywood use a measuring tape?

11:20 p.m.   Jeff Bridges looks almost surprised at being called "dude."

11:25 p.m. Collin Firth wins Best Actor. No surprieses.   "I have a feeling my career's just peaked." ROFLAO!    I love this speech. I love his extreme Britishness.   "Now if you'll all excuse me I have some impulses I have to tend to backstage."   From someone with an American accent, that would just sound dirty.

11:32 p.m. Hathaways' last (I assume) costume change puts her in a gun metal sparkling thing that covers her like a Victorian matron. It's inoffensive in its sparkliness.

I'm thinking The King's Speech takes the day here, given that it's director already won. Statistics say Best Director predicts Best Picture.

11:36 p.m. And I am proven exactly right. The King's Speech wins 4 of the 12 categories in which it was nominated, including Best Picture.

Helena Bonham Carter's dress does not disapoint. It is precisely the sort of thing Beatrix Lestrange (or Lylo) would wear out to a formal occasion, right down to the slashes on the sleeves. I keep wanting to yell "Wear a chemise and a partlet!" at her.

11:39 p.m. Ew and ew. Hathaway's dress is not as inoffensive in close up as from a distance. It's got some sort of paisley pattern worked into it and a flesh-colored under layer that makes her look weirdly naked underneath.

11:40 p.m    Singing schoolkids. This is not my beautiful Oscars.

Well here we are at the end of another Oscars ceremony full of weirdness and snark. Thanks everyone for reading along and joining in. I will try to post some gown pics tomorrow for those who missed the show and want to know what on earth I'm talking about ;-)

Goodnight all